Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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