True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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