my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
All I want is dick and wine.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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