Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
