our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
