So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Randomize
