You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
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