i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
