Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
