I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
