I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
