I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
