Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
