Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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