I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
