I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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