would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
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