Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
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