I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I have tasted many bathrooms
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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