just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
