your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
