I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
