No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
