I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
