I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I touched a dick in church today
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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