sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
