Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
