Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
