shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
