I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
