if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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