My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
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