Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
MIDGETS
????
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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