I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
