I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
