Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
