The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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