My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Randomize
