Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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