Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
