I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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