my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
