...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
