The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
