My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
