I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
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