You're so nebulous sometimes
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
