I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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