I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
