my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
